If you have recently been divorced or are in the process, you might find that your children get angrier over the holidays. It’s the first time that mom and dad won’t be together as a family unit and they feel stress and helplessness. Put yourself in their shoes, while in years past they were able to spend the entire day with cousins they like to play with, now they are frustrated because they have to split their time between different households rather than experiencing the stability and routine of years past. Resentment starts to build up and they get mad at the parent pulling them away. Or, if the parents try to brush their differences under the rug for the sake of the kids and celebrate together, the children might secretly hope that it means they will get back together. More anger and anxiety builds when their dreams don’t come to fruition.
In reality, children do best with routine and structure. It gives them boundaries and they feel a sense of calm when they know what to expect. Going through that first year of divorce brings change for everyone. Households might be different, a new school, new schedules and of course the holidays will not be like they have been in the past. Some children will react by shutting down; others will have meltdowns that you haven’t experienced before. It’s normal, as their sense of security has been disrupted. And, don’t forget that they are probably feeling jealous of the friends around them who are celebrating their traditions with their parent’s marriage still in tact.
You may feel loneliness and pain too, but to help your kids get through this time of the year there are some things you can do to help the situation:
1. Even if you are feeling depressed, do your best to get into the holiday spirit. An upbeat attitude will show your kids that it’s okay to feel happy under the new circumstances.
2. Plan ahead so children know what to expect. This will reduce anxiety. If you can, try to keep kids with one parent on the holiday so they aren’t being dragged from one location to the next.
3. Let the kids have input about what the plans will be. Including them in on the decisions gives them a sense of control and ownership over how their holiday will look.
4. Try to hold onto as many family traditions as are appropriate. Have fun coming up with new ones as well.
5. Let kids express their emotions and keep communication flowing. Even though you might be ecstatic that you don’t have to spend another holiday with your in-laws, they might feel sad that you aren’t going to be there. Show empathy and validate their feelings.
6. Don’t isolate your kids from the other parent. If Thanksgiving is your holiday but your kids are missing the other parent, let them make a call, Skype or even have a quick visit. Shutting down communication will only make the child sadder.
7. Don’t hesitate to seek support. Surround yourself with family and friends that are positive influences to keep your spirits up!
The first holiday season apart is generally the hardest. Once your kids see that they still have the support of both parents and can still have fun, their anger and stress will diminish.