Divorce is an extremely difficult decision for most parents to make. Many worry that it will permanently scar their children and even consider holding off on the process until the kids are older and have moved out of the house. They endure the financial arguments, the religious differences and the child-rearing decisions in the hope that this arrangement is still better than a separation for their kids. So is this the right answer for a couple that just doesn’t see eye-to-eye? If you’ve tried everything and are still miserable than there is actually some good news. Despite all the stress and trauma of watching their parents fight and eventually separate, approximately 75 – 80% of children of divorce go on to be well-adjusted adults. They are able to move from the hardship and pain and go on to do well in school, have stable careers and build lasting intimate relationships. What it comes down to is really how you and your ex handle the divorce and the subsequent co-parenting.
What seems to highly benefit children during this time is resilience. This is the psychological ability to successfully adapt and recover from life’s challenges and obstacles. Some people are just born with the personality to naturally stay strong in the face of adversity, however most learn this trait “on the job”. Learning resiliency during a parents divorce actually helps kids to become good problem solvers, look at tough situations more optimistically, gain self-confidence and self-control, and acquire good communication skills. These are all attributes that contribute to a successful adulthood.
Resiliency is an ability that can be learned. Parents can contribute to their child’s success in coping with divorce by focusing on the following tips:
1. Explain what is happening. Be open and clear with your kids so they understand that this is not something they caused, it’s simply between you and your spouse. Do not place blame on either parent.
2. Explain that it will take time to get over the sadness, but that you both love them and will be there for them. Continue to encourage discussion every step of the way and stay as involved as possible in all aspects of their life (even if you are no longer the primary caregiver).
3. Stay optimistic! Even if this isn’t your natural mode of operation, practice looking at the bright side of things. Role modeling this behavior will help your children do the same.
4. Focus on your child’s strengths and abilities to improve their self-confidence. Many kids feel like they are somehow inferior because they don’t have a two-parent household. Help build self-esteem by giving them age appropriate responsibilities and praising their success in accomplishing them. Point out their skills and what is going right in their life (even the smallest thing) to show them they can and will continue to succeed.
5. Encourage them to be flexible and model what it means to go with the flow. For example, if you have a meltdown every time their father is late for pick-up, they will learn that this is how to handle the situation. Instead, focus on something positive that is coming from the tardiness like there is more time to complete homework or call a friend.
6. Create a strong support system of friends, family and neighbors so your children know there are people out there rooting for their success! This gives them an added sense of stability and safety, which in turn contributes to optimism and confidence.
In the end, many older children of divorced parents reflect back at the time and consider that as traumatic as it was, they are better and more resilient people because of it.