Most of us would agree that going through a divorce when children are involved can be one of the most stressful things that adults go through. It is often filled with animosity towards the ex-spouse, turmoil, guilt and sadness and it can be very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With this in mind, many courts across the country now mandate that divorcing parents take co-parenting classes to learn new ways to work together as business partners, if not friends. Working together to raise the kids is ultimately the best thing you can do for them for their overall long-term mental health. When parents model a healthy outlook about the new situation, their children are more likely to move forward in a positive way as well.
Some quick tips for the success of this new partnership and its impact on your children include the following:
1. Don’t blame, attack or put down the other parent in front of the kids. Confide in your close friends or family if you need to get your frustrations off your chest, not your kids. Avoid comments like “Daddy walked out on all of us!” Your ex is still your child’s parent and it only serves to make the child feel awful.
2. Don’t rely on your kids to be your companion or mediator because you are feeling angry or lonely. At work you wouldn’t ask a co-worker to talk to your boss about a problem you are having, you would do it yourself. The children shouldn’t have to carry that responsibility or burden.
3. Keep your conversations with your ex about the needs of the kids, not your own needs. Stay on topic.
4. Speak to your ex-spouse like you would a business partner at work. Regardless of how you feel about the person, you would never break down in tears, yell or use obscenities when discussing an issue. Instead, listen to his/her opinion, stay calm and be respectful.
5. Do your best not to alter the pre-arranged custody schedule. This shows that you are honoring the importance of the child spending time with the other parent and showing respect for that parent. Aim to always be on time for pick-up or drop-off. Children thrive on consistency and a routine helps them feel more stable in their world.
These points might seem obvious, but in the heat of the moment it’s easy to digress. Remember that your goal in all of this is to keep your children feeling as safe, loved and as stable as possible throughout this transitional time. You can give yourself credit for doing a good job if they maintain their friendships with close friends, they look and act like they always have, they keep their grades up in school, and continue to enjoy and excel in their extra-curricular activities. You will also notice that they feel comfortable to talk to you about the divorce and to ask questions. Role modeling this cooperative behavior will pay off in the end when your kids are thriving despite the divorce.