Parenting is one of the toughest jobs out there. It is so fulfilling, but can also be so frustrating. When the children are babies and toddlers, many parents express how difficult a time period it is because of the lack of sleep and basic care giving responsibilities that infants need from their parents to survive. However, as kids get older, schedules get busier and school becomes more intense, tension in the family can really begin to spike. Many parents reflect back and long for the days when diaper changing, naptime and tumbling class were the only things they had to worry about each day. Suddenly, the kids are voicing strong opinions that they don’t necessarily agree with, problems are arising with friendships, and grades are ever important. With all the emotions and stress, parents can forget that they set the overall tone in the house by the way they respond to and handle these situations. Experts agree that parents that take a more positive, warm and supportive approach when interacting with their kids, ultimately create a calmer and more well-balanced home.
One of the first things that parents who are interested in turning their home life around can do is consider how they are speaking when communicating with the kids. Sometimes, either due to a lack of patience, time or consideration we get into the habit of barking negative statements like:
- “You are wasting time and will make us late!”
- “You aren’t going anywhere until you get a sweatshirt on!”
- “You can’t have dessert until you wash up!”
- “Stop interrupting your sister!”
Instead, you can guide and support your children by replacing these negative comments with more effective positive statements like:
- “We will be leaving the house in 10 minutes. Please get dressed or bring the clothes you need in the car.”
- “You can go outside to play as soon as you get your sweatshirt on.”
- “Dessert is ready for you as soon as you wash your hands!”
- “I know it’s hard to wait for your turn to speak at the dinner table, but your sister wants a chance to tell us about her day too.”
In order for children to choose the positive behavior we are looking for, they need to believe that they are capable and responsible members of the family. When we communicate with them in a calm, respectful and clear way, they have a greater chance of understanding what is expected of them and it encourages them to continue their appropriate behavior. It creates a positive identity and awareness of self-control. In contrast, when we nag, scream or use condescending tones, we convey to them that we feel like they can’t follow-through unless we’re on them. This in turn causes a lack of self-esteem and often times the child will live up to this perceived lack of confidence by acting out in negative ways.
In conjunction with utilizing positive statements to help direct your children, you will help strengthen their appropriate behavior by also following up with positive reinforcement. For example, when your child has followed through by getting into the car fully dressed within the 10-minute window you asked for, praise them for their effort.