Many pediatricians and family therapists recommend that a key to successful parenting is to adopt a parenting style that recognizes and encourages good behavior in their kids by offering kind words, smiles and affection. The idea is to comment on your child’s behavior when they are doing something right instead of when they are acting up. This is a type of caregiving known as “positive parenting”. Specifically, it includes principles such as:
1. Praising the behavior you would like to see in your child.
2. Setting a good example as a role model.
3. Showing warmth and love towards your child.
4. Listening closely to your child to help him/her work out problems.
5. Avoiding yelling and hitting.
6. Setting clear boundaries.
7. Maintaining consistency when it comes to punishment.
This does not mean that parents have to be best friends with their kids. Rather that they show an understanding and acknowledgement of their child’s beliefs and feelings so the child feels like his/her opinion matters. Effective discipline is also a big component of this style. Years of research and studies show that children need structure to develop self-discipline. It’s important to set reasonable boundaries and repercussions for unacceptable behavior, but this isn’t the type of authoritarian discipline many of us grew up with. We all know that shouting, yelling, and spanking all add up to fear and distrust and escalate a breakdown in relationships. Instead, positive parenting styles encourage positive behavior by praising good behavior and establishing logical and reasonable consequences. This encourages children to get themselves under control and organized. Some of these techniques include:
1. Calling for a timeout. This effectively stops the bad behavior by stopping it in its tracks and removing the child from the situation. Most experts agree that the timeout should last one minute for each year of the child’s life up to about age 11.
2. Reasoning discussions. This relies on the theory that it’s more effective to prevent negative actions than to punish them after the fact. In other words, don’t deal with the situation in the stress of the moment but rather take time beforehand to explain clearly what type of behavior is expected and desirable. For example, tell children who they can expect to see at an upcoming family get together, what they can and cannot do during that visit and explain why.
3. Set age appropriate expectations and stick with them. Don’t just shout out idle threats. Your kids will catch on at an early age that you don’t really mean it and they don’t really need to listen to you. Explain the limits and then speak in a firm voice when you want them to follow your wishes. Don’t let your child negotiate or talk you out of a particular punishment.
This type of parenting generally forges a strong, trusting bond between parent and child. Boundaries are clear and the child feels respected and loved. Children who are parented in this way usually have higher self-esteem, coping skills and self discipline and since they are treated with respect, they know how to treat others in this same way.