Your child has come home from a sleepover at a friend’s house and seems completely bent out of shape. You try to figure out why so you start asking questions. A flood of emotions reveals that not only does the friend have a beautiful swimming pool and a trampoline, but a skate ramp in their drive way, a huge library of Xbox games and is getting ready to leave on a family trip to Orlando to hit all the amusement parks. Your child is jealous and feeling sad that he doesn’t have some or all of this as well! You start to feel bad and may even want to cheer him up by telling him you might be able to provide some of those things in the future, but it’s important to stay clear from making promises you can’t keep. Instead, the thing to remind yourself is that jealousy is completely normal. Only children often wish they had siblings, or siblings might wish they were only children. One child might wish her grades were as strong as another’s or if you are divorced, your children might be jealous of other two-parent families. It’s bound to be something you will encounter, so learning how to best handle it can help you guide them through the situation in a healthy and stable manner.
The first thing to do is acknowledge their jealous feelings. It’s a natural response and they shouldn’t be punished for having them. Take the time to listen closely to what they are saying. Don’t try to talk them out of it, trivialize the feelings or punish them unless they’ve acted out in an inappropriate way. Keep the conversation going by asking questions like “What is it exactly that is making you so upset?” Then you can help the child put it all in perspective. “It’s not what you own that will make you happy in the long run, but who you are as a person. This means how you treat others like being honest, reliable and compassionate.” Focus on what your child and your family does have instead. “We have our health, you have a room full of books and toys and we will have a great time camping out this summer!”
Aside from material items, another point of contention that often arises is envy of another kid’s talent’s or friend group. Girls often exclude other girls in social circles as a way to intimidate or show their superiority. While it’s normal, it may not feel good and as a parent you can help her cope with the jealous feelings by reinforcing other friendships and being a supportive sounding board. If it’s about a particular talent, focus on what the child is talented in instead. Or, if possible, offer to help your child in this area or through additional training.
Any parent that has more than one child knows that sibling rivalry can rear its ugly head at any time. Early on, a newborn can cause older kids to feel neglected and jealous about all the attention the baby is getting. Or if one child gets more attention from a particular parent, it can cause problems. The best thing to do is help your kids develop conflict resolution skills like how to compromise and be fair to one another. Try to be clear why the one child is getting more attention right now. “Jack has been struggling with Algebra, so your dad has been spending his extra time after work tutoring him. It’s not forever.” You should role model it for them in the way you act and respond to things. “Sometimes I wish that I had a high paying career and big beach house like Aunt Julie does, but then I realize that she doesn’t have a wonderful family like I have because she is always working and traveling for business.”
Help your kids to overcome the negative side of jealousy like anger, hatred, intimidation or feelings of being insufficient and turn these emotions into a positive. Remember that jealous feelings can actually motivate people to shoot for the starts and work hard to get the things they want out of life.