How To Discuss Divorce With Children

Divorce is an extremely difficult decision for any couple to make.  It usually comes after years of trying to make the relationship work and both partners are probably a point of exhaustion, high-stress and possibly depression that things could not be worked out.  It the relationship has become unbearable, than divorce is often the best decision for everyone involved.  When kids are involved everything becomes exponentially more emotional but after all the dust settles, if handled correctly, it will ultimately be the best decision for them as well.  Even if the couple has tried hard to keep their quarrels hidden from the children, kids are intuitive and smart and usually know there are serious problems in the marriage.  However, no matter how much they may suspect, finally breaking the news is never easy.  Clinical research shows that there are ways to discuss the situation that are best for the kids.  They are as follows:

Both of You Should Explain Together

To start with, it is best when both parents are present to explain their decision. When the both of you explain to the kids that "mom and dad will be living apart from each other", make sure to tell them  "mom and dad will remain friends".  This initial conversation will be emotionally exhausting, but it is important that the children understand that you are both on the same page and have come to this conclusion together.

Emphasize It Has Nothing To Do With Their Behavior

It is very important to tell your children that the divorce has nothing to do with their actions.   Even if you think this idea would never cross their minds, explain it is not because of their behavior.  Sometimes children internalize the feelings of guilt throughout a lifetime, so get that off the table immediately.  Tell your children that the decision to divorce is because mommy and daddy have problems that can’t be solved within the marriage and the best way for you to remain friends is to live apart from each other. Give them assurance that your love for them will remain and you will both continue to be there for them.

How To Deal With Their Curiosity

Your children will naturally be curious about what exactly has caused this decision.  It is not be healthy to discuss the details with them. It is too much information for a young mind and might create more anxiety and fear. Keep it simple. Tell them that when they are adults, they will understand more. Right now, it is best for them not to be too emotionally distracted.

Who Will Be With The Kids 

After the divorce, parenting will continue to be a responsibility that the both of you will share. Explain to the kids that one parent will live apart from them. However, the parent who is not with them all the time will still spend time with them.  It is helpful if you can give them an idea of what the schedule might look like so they can immediately understand that they will frequently see each parent.

Stay Calm and Be Attentive

This talk is a very emotional time for both you and the kids. Remember, be very solid and steady emotionally. When the kids ask you the tough questions, never insult the other parent. If you do that, it will stick into the heads of your children and they will carry it with them until they are adults. It will be a traumatic experience for them too. Avoid crying and never lash out at your partner.  You and your partner must stick to just one version of the story. You should also be very attentive to the questions and the emotions of your children. When the children see that you are calm, collected, and confident with your decision, they will draw strength from you.

It would also be helpful if you take online co-parenting classes. Telling your children about the divorce is merely the beginning of a long co-parenting journey. There will be more obstacles that you need to overcome along the way. Gaining more insight on how you should deal with parenting after living apart from your spouse and what behavior and reaction to expect from the kids, will empower you.