Divorce is a stressful decision to make in any parents life because of the worry of how the kids will react and ultimately be affected. There’s no question that it will mean a lot of change, something that most kids don’t like. While you may not be able to fix the marriage and get back together, you do have control over easing the transition as much as possible. One of the biggest fears that children face is what will their new life look like? They don’t want to leave their school and friends, or move to a new home. Sometimes all of this is unavoidable because of finances but once you do settle into your two new homes, there are co-parenting tips you can do to help them thrive in their new environments.
First of all, set up one home as the headquarters. This is where the child will receive all school related mail and phone calls. This will cut down the confusion of getting some information here and some there and losing track of it in between. Furthermore, even if the child only spends 1 night a week at our house, try to get a place that allows him or her his own room. A quiet place that they can decorate and personalize so they feel like they belong there and not like a visitor. This space should have some clothes, toys and books that stay put. However, it should also be okay to bring certain things back and forth between the two homes.
Most of us who went through divorce in our own childhoods agree that there are some basics that should be in each household to reduce panic and anxiety. They include underwear and pajamas, a pair of exercise shoes, jeans and a few t-shirts, a blow dryer for a girl, a brush, toothbrush and all the sundries like shampoo, soap, lotion, razors, suntan lotion. Realizing as you are getting dressed for school that you don’t have closed toe shoes because you came over in flip-flops is no fun. If the child is old enough for homework, there should be a dictionary, thesaurus, computer access and school supplies like paper, whiteout, and a stapler at each house so there is no excuse not to make the transition. In addition, the child can pack a special bag with additional personal items for each visit.
If possible, rules in each house should be similar but in some cases this just doesn’t happen. Although this might be totally frustrating to you, it’s really not the end of the world. Children learn at an early age that there are different rules for different places. For example, we act differently in a movie theater, a park, church or school. The key is to make sure that there are a few rules that are consistent in each home like doing homework right when you get home and no electronics during dinner time sets the tone that you and your ex are still working together in their best interest. If you start to hear that “Daddy lets us eat ice cream before we go to bed,” just be sure to respond in an understanding and confidant manner that those are daddy’s rules that are followed at his house but not in yours. Shutting this down up front in a clear and calm manner shows the kids that you won’t be pushed around.