Research shows that about 50% of marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. This is not something that any of us like to think about when we are getting ready to walk down the isle or begin a family. Even if it does cross your mind, it’s not going to stop you from continuing with the happiness you are currently experiencing with your partner. So you get married and start a family, and then you really begin to see what your spouse is made of. Life’s every day challenges begin picking up and you realize that you just don’t see eye-to-eye and can’t spend another moment under the same roof. Well, you aren’t alone as approximately 23% of children in America today come from divorced families. The good news is that over the past few decades, research has shown that the majority of children of divorce can and do go on to have stable relationships and normal lives.
There a different phases to the divorce process. Initially parents may be completely devastated and feel a huge sense of loss and failure that they weren’t able to make the marriage work. If one spouse was unfaithful there might also be an element of distrust. Parents should be clear that during this time they should not vent to the kids about their feelings for the other spouse. The children often times are scared, confused and believe that it’s their fault that their parents are divorcing. This is a time that it’s extremely important to put your own feelings aside and focus on the well-being of your children.
One of the most important factors in helping your children through this difficult time is to keep the lines of communication open. Set aside quality time to listen closely to their feelings and fears. Explain to them that the divorce has nothing to do with how they behaved but is strictly about your relationship with the other parent. Show them that you are a strong role model by keeping them out of arguments with your ex, and not using them as “middlemen” to exchange information. If you feel the need to talk about the situation, do it with your friends and family and out of earshot of the kids! Most of all keep things uncomplicated and straightforward and reassure them that you both will continue to love them and be there for them.
The next step will be to watch closely for signs of distress and depression. These might include:
- Bed wetting (for younger children)
- Acting out in defiance (tantrums)
- Increased anxiety
- Decrease in self-esteem
- A change in peer group
- Withdrawing socially
- A drop in grades
- Drug use
If you begin to notice any major changes in behavior, don’t wait for it to work itself out. Explain to your child that talking to a trained adult about how they feel will help them to relieve their stress and feel better in the end. Look into getting help from the school psychologist, groups or even one on one attention with a family therapist.
Parents going through divorce also often need additional trained support and co-parenting guidance. If your schedule is too busy to fit in group classes or individual therapy appointments, an increasingly popular option is to take a parenting class online. Online courses give the client the flexibility to take the course whenever they have free time. Look for a high quality program that is designed by a licensed and practicing psychotherapist. Online parenting classes help parents learn the skills they need to better understand the different stages of childhood development, the best parenting techniques for rewards and consequences, and how to effectively listen and talk to your kids. Co-parenting classes also include strategies and tips for improving your relationship with your spouse. Participants will also walk away with ways to set-up two loving, stable and healthy households in which the kids will continue to feel safe and thrive.