You and your children can thrive even after going through a difficult divorce. Educating yourself on the challenges you will face and how to best handle situations that most commonly arise will help you provide a safe, loving and structured environment. Divorce impacts every family member, but you can help minimize the negative impact on your kids by following these tips on parenting mistakes to avoid:
1. Don’t fight in front of the children. They hear every word you are saying and it only causes anxiety and fear. They are already worried about what their future is going to look like. This just adds fuel to the fire so do your best to speak on the phone out of earshot or even better, email. Using email allows everything to be documented in writing so there are no misgivings about what is expected. In addition, kids that are raised in environments in which it’s okay to constantly fight have a higher incidence of modeling this behavior at school because they think it’s the only way to communicate or get what they want.
2. Don’t make your kids the messenger. You don’t want to talk to your ex for fear that it will incite more rage, so you ask your kids to tell their dad/mom something. You might even think that this is good for them because it gives them a feeling of maturity and inclusion. Unfortunately, it puts them in a situation in which they have to bare the brunt of the reaction and then try to negotiate a resolution. It makes the child feel as if it’s his/her responsibility to resolve the conflict. This is unfair and is a poor way to communicate with your ex.
3. Don’t expect too much. Just because you and your spouse have decided to call it quits doesn’t mean that your children need to turn into little “adults”. Sometimes parents assume that their kids are mature and have more understanding of gratitude, empathy and the emotional world around them than is reasonable for their developmental stage. Pay attention to what is appropriate age related behavior.
4. Don’t try to become your child’s best friend. There are many reasons parents try to do this. One is that they are trying to win over the child to be on their side so the child wants to come to stay or live with them. Or, you are lonely and looking to replace the relationship you lost. However, this will ultimately backfire. Your child needs an adult role model for comfort and guidance, not another friend.
5. Be consistent! There are four different recognized parenting styles and they all consider being inconsistent harmful behavior. If you are sometimes playful and lax and let the rules fall to the wayside, while at other times very strict, your children will be confused and not know what path to take.
6. Don’t expect punishment to be the answer for all behavioral issues. Make an effort to instead parent positively on an ongoing basis. This means giving positive feedback when the kids are doing things right. If you do decide to take away privileges, consider how you are doing it, otherwise it can quickly become ineffective. For example, don’t take one thing away that can easily be replaced by something similar like confiscating the DS but letting them continue to play Xbox. Or, don’t make the mistake of taking something away for too long. You run the risk of having the child forget that he even likes it or wants it back.
7. Try to keep the same set of rules in each household. After you take your court ordered parenting class for divorce, do your best to come up with similar rules and expectations for each parent’s house. This teamwork gives your children the stability and structure that they need to thrive.